What I Struggle With Now

As I've already mentioned, I am fully recovered from my eating disorder. However, I still struggle with food now and then. Something I've always dealt with is an addiction to sugar.

I know I'm addicted to sugar because I actually get "the itch" for sugar, multiple times a day, including every time I'm done eating a meal. I don't need a full plate of dessert after every meal (though I would LOVE that), I usually need something sweet. For instance, I keep a bag of Dove chocolates in my desk at work to have a few after lunch. At home, I usually have a choice of what sweet item to eat- right now I have cupcakes in the apartment.

If I don't have sugar after every meal, I actually get a little antsy. I will "scavenge" around whichever location I'm in, looking for something sweet. If I'm at work, I most often leave my desk and mosey over to CVS where I buy my fix. Sometimes, it feels as though a meal cannot be completed unless there is dessert too.

One reason I haven't tried to actively end my addiction to sugar is because honestly, I haven't gotten to the point where I really want to give it up yet. (I actually feel like that would be THE WORST). Additionally, it's so socially ingrained into my life too- my family always has desserts whenever I come home, and there's always cake or cookies at each celebration! As someone who is recovered from an eating disorder, I'm also so burned-out from years of dieting and limiting food from my diet, that my "willpower" is officially retired forever. For me, the ability to eat and enjoy all foods again, including ones that used to make me feel "guilty, is a hard-earned victory I am not willing to give up. 

Recently I've been actively trying to eat healthier. I look forward to eating salads every day and cooking my dinners. I feel these habits have made me automatically healthier. However, as my lifestyle has improved, the strong desire for sugar after each meal persists.

Does anyone have tips for me? For those who are recovered, is there anything you struggle with as a "survivor"?

Have a wonderful day!

Meggasus

Baby Got Back

When I decided to "niche-out," and focus on being an eating disorder/ body kindness coach, I realized I needed to get creative and focus more on branding. So, I came up with the most dope-ass body loving blog name ever- "Baby Got Back" with the tagline: "Reclaim your Booty."

People might be wondering, why did Meg name this blog, "Baby Got Back?"

 I chose to name this blog "Baby Got back" for a few reasons. 

1) While the lyrics may be questionable, The Sir Mix A Lot Song, "Baby Got Back" is by far, one of the most body-loving songs on this earth. I grew up in the 90's and went to middle school and high school during the 00's. Whenever the song came on at a school dance or even at bars or clubs nowadays, the energy in the entire room changes. Women suddenly become more energized and holler with excitement. They even put more energy into dancing, which always helps revive the dance floor and get the crowd going. Almost 100% of the time everyone belts the lyrics, and everyone starts dancing with a little more body love- moving their hips, twerking, getting low. It also brings all the wallflowers to the floor. I swear, the song has a magical effect on every crowd. But this might be the least important reason.

2) **THIS IS THE MAIN REASON** There's a double meaning- The obvious meaning is all about having a boooootaaaay. But when it comes to recovery, having a booty and loving it can be a battle in itself. As a writer, I want each reader to rejoice in their booty and their body. The second meaning is more closely tied to recovery. To recover means "to return to a normal state of mind, health or strength." In a sense, it means to "get back" to normal. So, "Baby Got Back" also embraces the act of getting your relationship with your body and food back to normal, or better. Also, when you recover, you get so many things back, including your freedom, your joy, your body etc. In some cases, you even get your awesome butt back if you lost it in the process. (hehe).

3) I love my booty. (Hey hey)!

4) The little person on my logo also has a cute butt if you haven't noticed yet.

5) It's catchy AF and original. Boom.

(My logo has a cute butt).

My Experience with a Dietitian During Recovery

After I quit modeling, I moved back home to Connecticut to focus completely on recovery. I remember that my parents sent me to therapy, with a woman who specialized in eating disorders. I had never gone to therapy before. I remember sitting in the small, sunny room, with a clear intention on getting better. I spoke to my therapist once per week, and I remember just letting her into my world, which felt really good.

However, after some time, she invited me to to see a nutritionist/dietitian that also worked in the building. Perhaps they had a referral system set up. All I remember is, while I was SO ready to heal, my mind was not ready to work with a dietitian.

I remember in the first session, the dietitian asked me to write down what I ate every day. I remember struggling with this idea because I hadn't hit normalcy yet. Some days I would eat 1,000 calories/day and others I would binge an endless number of calories. When she started talking about nutrition, I was not ready to care about that and could care less.

I remember she insisted I start eating oatmeal and coffee with whole milk. She explained that whole milk calcium molecules were large and would coat my stomach somehow, and I would feel full more easily. She also suggested an entire diet plan for me. I remember being so put-off by everything this women suggested. Thinking back, an NLP practitioner would say that this dietitian was not "in rapport" with me or my eating disorder. For instance, she didn't know that heavy dairy was my main trigger for bulimia, and here she was telling me to eat this every day. An NLP practitioner would also say that she did not understand my recovery "map of the world." At that point, I did not give a flying hoot about nutrition or the quality of food I was eating, I just wanted to regain control of my relationship with food, eating and my body by reigning in binge-eating and returning to normalcy.

Needless to say, I cancelled my second session with the dietitian and never worked with one again. I would be curious to know how helpful other people found working with a dietitian to be during recovery. My experience led me to feel mainly misunderstood, like there was a quick-fix diet that would cure my eating disorder. What are you thoughts?

Building a team of people to support your recovery process is crucial. If a dietitian works for you, this may be exactly what you need. Has anyone ever had a positive experience with a dietitian during recovery? In what ways did this person help?

xox Meg

It's not all about the Calories

When I had an eating disorder, working out was not fun because my motivations were all wrong. I would drag myself to the gym, only to slave over the treadmill or go to a cardio class. I would fixate on the part of the screen that told me how many calories I had burned and watch every second tick by.

Seven years later, my relationship to working out has completely evolved. Being recovered, my main motivation is not "getting skinny" or "loosing weight." It's honestly about feeling good and boosting confidence in my body. Looking back, here are the things that have changed for me:

1) I'd rather be strong- When I had an ED, my swim coach kept telling me to start lifting weights and build muscle. I was afraid of looking bulky, so I only did cardio work-outs. Now I actually work out to build muscle. I want to be toned and strong; and I embrace muscle mass, I am bold enough to be the only girl in the weight section of the gym. Muscle on women in sexy; and any guy who tells you otherwise needs to check himself!

2) I ditched the treadmill- I haven't ran on a treadmill in over a year. I realized I WILL NEVER LIKE IT. Also, there are other machines that will give me a better cardio work out and also tone my body up. I try to use a machine with high resistance, like the Stair Master. I noticed that my natural state isn't speedy. I like taking it slower than a run or even a jog. Also, now that I SLAY the Stair Master at a slower pace, I listen to slower rap/hip hop like Drake or Migos which fits my ideal pace.

3) I made it social- I have friends at the gym now! This brings joy to each gym visit and helps you stay accountable to show up. Nothing is more motivating than having your friends text you to get you to come to class.

4) I go there to party- That's right, the gym is all about two things for me: Dancing (Zumba) and music. I look forward to listening to my "Get Turnt" playlist on Spotify and I give Zumba my all, mainly because dancing will always, without a doubt, make me immediately happy.

5) I don't care if I get skinny- I am happy with the way my body looks now. I haven't weight myself in mooooonths. I do care about how many push-ups I can do (not many, but still)! I do care about having a toned body. I do care about being happy with my appearance. I do care about becoming a dancer. I do care about listening to rap. I do care about my booty. 

6) I go to the gym energized- Oh, one more important thing! I am never starving when I go to the gym. (I eat before and after)! One reason why I dreaded going to the gym 7 years ago was because I was working out on empty. I had not fuel in my body from starvation so I was too tired to really push myself during work-outs. 

I recently posted a survey to get a sense about what helped others recover from their disorder. Out of the 32 respondents, a handful of them mentioned seeing a personal trainer. If you don't have money to afford one, you could try shift your gym motivations by embracing the items above. 

Best of luck to you now!

xoxo Meg

I have Changed my Mind About Ed Sheeran

When Ed Sheeran came onto the scene several years ago, I found his music to be catching. I pictured a sexy guy with brown hair and classic good looks. When I realized he was a flaming redhead at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in 2014, I was disappointed because by my definition of the word, he looked like a huge nerd who had never even talked to a girl in his life.

 In recent years I've listened to some of his more upbeat hits and I've really enjoyed them. My feelings of annoyance make it so I usually switch stations when his slow, painstaking ballads like "Photograph" start to play. But on the flip-side, I really love his song "Shape of You" and I will always, 100%-without-a-doubt start dancing wherever I am when that song turns on.

Yesterday I had "Shape of You" stuck in my head so I googled the song to watch the music video while taking a break at work.

Ladies and Gents, if you haven't seen this video I highly recommend it. If you have mixed feelings about Ed Sheeran like I do, than this will turn you into a permanent fan.

Here are the reasons why I'm obsessed with this music video:

1) The message kicks ass- It's all about loving the female body. The lead female in the video is an athlete, which made me so happy to see. When I first heard this song I pictured a curvier women playing an insecure role, who he meets, falls for, and eventually helps her gain more confidence to love her body- I WAS SO WRONG. It's about a strong female boxer who is toned, already confident and hardworking. YES!

2)Ed Sheeran is covered in tattoos- Apparently this is a well-known fact, but in case you've been living under a rock like myself, you might like him better when you see his entire body is covered in colorful tattoos. Nerd be gone!

3) The casting is superb- In the video the female lead is a beautiful woman who appears to biracial. I love the diversity Ed chose to bring on to the screen.

4)The diner scene- After he and his love interest work out, they go to a diner and she orders a salad while he orders fried chicken. At first I thought this was a little concerning, but then he throws a piece of chicken onto her plate with a vibe that says, "Women, you're beautiful and I want to show you I'm supportive of women with an appetite."

I could list a million more reasons, but I need to get ready for work!

Take a look at the video here. Enjoy!

xox Meg

The Power of Support Groups in Recovery

Last night at10:30pm I published a casual survey online for people who have a difficult relationship with food and their bodies. (Click here to take it)! It is now 6:02am and I already have 17 responses. Honestly, its kind of a pain-in-the-butt kind of a survey, because it has several open ended questions. I think the fact that 17 people have completed the survey (which is anonymous) in less than 12 hours after it was posted, shows that eating disorders are soooo common and that we are NOT alone in this fight.

However, I think when people are in the midst of a disorder, they do feel very alone, ashamed and isolated. After  glancing at some of the data, it is obvious to me that participants are in need of a better support group out there. Personally, I never went to a support group because I didn't know where to find any at age 18. If there was a group I could easily access, would I have gone? I'm not sure.

I did participate in a female empowerment group that focused on Body Love when I was in college. I found the group to be powerful, positive and surprisingly helpful. The survey seems to highlight what is good and bad about support groups. Here's what I've gathered so far.

Why do support groups help?

1) You create a network of individuals who want you to achieve success

2) You get the chance to share your story in a judge-free environment

3) You can discover things about yourself by listening to other people's experiences

4) You have a safe place to admit you have a problem

5) You learn for a fact that you're truly not alone

6) Access to helpful resources you might not have discovered

What is the struggle with support groups?

1) They're not easy to access most of the time

2) Sometimes they do not work with your schedule

3)Women are too afraid to show up

4) It can be a negative and highly emotional experience 

5) If you don't have someone to go with, you may not go.

6) Not a lot of individualized attention.

7) Listening to stories may be triggering.

I'm thinking about starting some sort of support group. Does anyone have any experiences with this? I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas! 

xox

Meg

Social Media and Recovery

The world has transformed immensely since I had my eating disorder about 9/10 years ago. I think about the number of ways a modern woman can be scrutinized over her looks, and it astounds me to think of the social media platforms that now exist that enable men and women with eating disorders.

Instagram, for example, didn't exist when I was a model. Back in the 00's, other models and I would sit in our living room, googling our names to see who had been posting about us online on various social message boards. On thefashionspot.com, there was even an entire thread dedicated to gossiping about the weight of different models- from weight gain to weight loss, including photos. This thread would get brutal. I remember comparing my body shape and size to the models on this thread, aiming to have a more sleek, linear look to match the photos of the models I idolized.  Back then, the original "social influencers" were bloggers who produced actual written content. These were the people invited to fashion shows and featured in magazines. Now there is a subtle or not-so-subtle amount narcissism that social influencers seem to all have that didn't exist back then.

I couldn't imagine how Instagram would have fed my eating disorder. In many ways, Instagram has helped models become their own managers, which is pretty amazing. Your entire account is like a personal modeling portfolio that every photographer, stylist and designer can view and use to book you directly. It's made models more accessible, but it's also changed the way a model's success is measured. Obviously, a fashion label will want to work with a model who has 200k followers over one with 500, no matter how uniquely beautiful the latter is.

I think of what's accessible now. For instance there are toxic hashtags like #transformationtuesday or #fitspiration that can lead a sick person down a dark rabbit hole of "thinspiration."There are filters that obscure the visual truth, and even apps to subtly (or not so subtly) make your waistline thinner or your jawline stronger. We even have entire blogs dedicated to food, that girls who are starving themselves can (figuratively) devour.

We also have Facebook Live, which in my opinion, is the most annoying feature out there. Aspiring fitness coaches (who seem to over-obsess with their meals and bodies publicly) post videos listing their diet plans and expressing their guilt when it goes awry. They're friends who are oblivious to the symptoms of eating disorders congratulate them on the weightless and discipline. These sick people encounter positive reinforcement daily and are championed by their peers to keep up the "good work." For those of you who are currently struggling and watch the videos, are they a trigger source or do they amplify your strength in knowing that you're not alone in this fight?

These are all questions I need to sift through. If you have any opinions or stories about social media use and eating disorders, please feel free to share them with me at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com.

xoxo

Meg

PS- Day 3 is complete!

Saying Sayonara to Energy Suckers

Last night I blocked one of the most toxic people I've ever known to interact with my life on all forms of social media and deleted him from my phone. As I've been playing around with this idea for weeks now, it wasn't until last night I had the courage to actually go through with it. In the past, I really loved this person but the positivity that he brought into my life seemed to have capped off over a year ago when I left him to sell christmas trees at 5am, feeling completely unseen and taken for granted, like my flesh had been scraped like cement across the pavement of on 181st st and Fort Washington.

Anyway, details aside, I cleared up some major space in my life last night. Too much than I'd like to admit, although he has an idea.

It's amazing to be in this world, where a person who is so absent in your life can have so much presence. This person had such a cyber-stronghold on me, as every little piece of communication we exchanged (and didn't exchange) seemed to have an unhealthy amount of weight and meaning attached to it.  Normally, I block all of my exes shortly after we break up, but there was never a "starting" or "ending" point to this pitiful relationship. From what I've learned, this relationship was a crystal clear example of that happens when and empath (me) dates a nacissist (him).

I'm excited to see how opening this space up will change my life, especially when it comes to love and relationships. Who or what did I make room for? If it's not space for love, perhaps it's more room to write and focus of my career. I remember taking time to make a list of "energy suckers" in my life. I'm proud to admit 2/2 of the people on that list are now out (sayonara)!

Day 2 complete!

30 Days of Mish-Mosh Writing

Lately I've been feeling this insatiable need to write more. I feel myself entering a stage of life that's more recluse. Perhaps the best way to say it is that I feel myself entering a stillness. During my entire life I've been very outward. My nature is very loud, jovial, charming and enthusiastic. That part of me is definitely not gone, but I feel an introverted, quieter version of myself taking hold. Up until now I would have much rather been in front of the camera or a crowd than write. But here I am, listening to my voice within telling me "Write."

Now that I've moved out of Astoria, or should I say my 1.5 year bender has come to a close, I am grasping (almost desperately) to any ounce of stability I can. Like a true Capricorn I realized I need some sort of structure to feel at peace and reach my goals. 

Recently, I've moved to Boston to pursue a full time job at Boston Children's Hospital doing public health research and community education. (Boston is actually known to be a Capricorn city)! This might also be the first time in my life post-college where I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. 

The other day I was on the phone with my grandma telling her how serendipitous the entire move to Beantown has been and how my dream job seemed to have fallen into my lap. My grandma is a die-hard Irish-Catholic Brooklynite, and without missing a beat she exclaimed, "No, Meg. It's not serendipity. It's grace'. I feel deeply within my soul and spirit that I'm meant to be here. So I think grandma is right. Moving here feels more powerful than serendipity. Everyday I feel this excited anticipation, like I'm on the brink of a miracle. This is because I am here by grace.

Anyway, I keep hearing it in my heart. "Write. Bring information to the world." I suppose I started this blog for that reason. But for me, it's not easy to write every day, because traditionally, I have not been very good with self-discipline. With that, I challenge myself. The challenge is to write for thirty minutes every day, for the next 30 days.

The hope here is that I figure out what I need to say on this blog. I originally decided that this blog would be a blog to help others improve their relationship with food, their bodies and eating. To be honest, I want this blog to be that way too. But for now, the important thing is just getting into the habit of writing and establishing this blog. I am sure there will be days when I write about eating disorders, body image, self esteem, etc. But I also want to share more than that. For now. Or perhaps forever, this blog will just be a mish-mosh of random thoughts. Enjoy. 

Day 1 is complete! 

xoxo

Meggasus

"Well EXCUUUUSE me for LIVING"

The first time I heard the term "Basic" to describe a women I felt like a tea-kettle seething on the stove top. I was watching a YouTube video, some sort of comedy sketch I guess, in which a "doctor" was diagnosing a woman with an incurable, horrible disease called "Basic."

I was so offended by this video. I'd never considered myself to be boring, mediocre, plain or uninteresting until I learned the new definition of this word. After two minutes of watching,  I immediately felt shamed for all of the things I enjoy- Zumba, The Bachelor, Starbucks, Netflix etc. The video made me really mad when I realized that all women who like things that women like, are now suddenly diseased? Jeez!

Historically, the word "basic" has a neutral meaning. It is meant to be harmless. I think this is why such an offensive word slipped through the cracks and became so popular in recent years. People might use it because they think it's funny, not blatantly offensive and artfully vague, but at the end of the day it is a word that's condescending, loaded with misogyny, and keeps women down. 

When I think of the "symptoms" of being "Basic", I cannot think of a single woman (of the First World) who does not like at least ONE of these things:

-Starbucks (Really, we're going to attack women for liking coffee)?

-Yoga (Ok, let's also put down women who enjoy strength and mindfulness).

-Netflix (Yeah, screw all women who enjoy the most common thing to do when bored)!

-Going out with the girls (yeah, effff those women who have a group of friends)!

-Beyonce (Sure, hate on girls who love the most iconic female artist of our generation).

-Wine (If I didn't get you with the first five I think I got you here).

When I read these "symptoms" my inner 90's kids wants to jump out and say "well excuuuuuuse me for LIVING" and roll my eyes. Maybe I'll have this reaction next time someone shames me for liking things women like.

Seriously, who isn't basic? I've tried to come up with outliers....perhaps a chill AF stoner girl who volunteers in foreign countries? But then isn't that kind of basic on a "wanderlust" level? (And she probably likes yoga)!

What about a badass athletic woman who is strong, dedicated and talented? One who wins championships and can beat a any guy at her sport? Nooooooooope- she probably enjoys dressing up and going out dancing with her team every once and awhile. 

What about a girl who grew up on the Bible Belt who was home schooled and and has 10 other siblings? Even with her there is a good chance she likes a good Beyonce tune now and then.

Conclusion- The word "basic" puts all women down in the most subtle way and we should stop using it. It is not funny, useful or positive. 

How to Battle Secrecy and Shame with your Eating Disorder

It took me 26 years to realize this: if you're intentionally hiding something from the people you care about, it's (almost always) not good for you. I've applied this rule to many areas of my life now. If there's a romantic relationship, a habit, or even a personal decision that I'm hiding- it means there's shame surrounding it. And for me shame (and secrecy) are personal indicators that I'm not doing what is best for me.

When it comes to food and eating, secrecy is a RED FLAG. In general, I could say this indicates a negative relationship with food, eating or your body.

Some examples of eating disorder secrecy might be:

1) You quickly eat mouthfuls of more food when other people leave the room as if you don't want them to "catch" you doing so
2) You wait until all of your roommates/family members are asleep and then you eat large amounts of food
3) You always eat your meals alone
4) You lie about eating sometime earlier in the day to avoid eating with friends
5) You lie about what you ate in fear of being judged
6) You sneak food and eat quietly in your living space as if you don't want anyone to know you're eating.
7) You throw up your food and nobody knows about it

Of course, these are all examples of secrecy and shame as it involves a negative relationship with food.

How can you put and end this ED shame/secrecy and also work towards recovery?

1) Make an effort to eat your meals with other people
2) Keep all of your food items in a public/common spaces in your home
3) Talk to trusted people about your struggles with food
4) Ask trusted friends to intervene if you feel yourself about to binge. This can be done by striking up a conversation with you, asking to hang out outside of the house, or just distracting you somehow.

Please keep in mind that what I publish on this blog are just ideas/suggestions that I have to help others heal. Please do not take them as scientific fact or proven roads to recovery. I have curated the list above based on my personal experience and also the experiences of others I've talked to.

Have a wonderful evening!

xox

Meg

Reclaim your BOOTY!

RECLAIM YOUR BOOTY!

And just like that I'm blogging again. Meg here! It has been about 6 years years since Katie and I retired our fashion blog, Meggasus Pegasus and Katie-Lu. I recently turned 26, and it's time to start a new blog. 

 During my original blogging days (circa 2009) I had recently quit modeling and gave up a coveted modeling contract with a top NYC agency. Little did our blog readers know, I had quit modeling because I was struggling with a serious eating disorder. While I kept this information hidden on the original blog, I am now 100% recovered and ready to share the details on this new blog, "Baby Got Back".

That's right. Baby got her health back, her happiness back and her goddamn amazing body back.

While I've already written a few entries, today will be the first day I post this new blog to social media. I feel super vulnerable and also up for the challenge. I refuse to sweep my story under the rug and pretend it never happened. I feel lucky because I can fully own my experience and use it to break stigma and help others who might be suffering too.

 I went into detail on why I'm starting this blog in the first post. To summarize what I've already written, this blog will be used to connect those who have negative relationships with food, eating and their bodies to information, stories, and resources. This blog will be my documented journey towards specialization and expertise as I plan to become a therapist/coach to help others through their personal experiences. I will also be developing my own ideas/theories for my eventual private practice. I invite you to use my story and what is written/posted on this blog to help you and/or your loved ones feel empowered and recover.

Thank you for your kindness and support. I hope you follow the blog, share it on social media and keep up with my work. I encourage you to email me about your own experiences and other ideas for the blog. 

Stay in touch by e-mailing margaretjmccabe@gmail.com :)

xx

Meggasus

When my Motivation Changed
(How I could finally recover)

In high school my eating disorder started quietly with a casual diet. After some time, my eating became very restrictive and this turned to extreme dieting. When my guilt attached to eating intensified, I started to purge my food. After purging my meals for some time, I entered a very stressful period of my life (New York Fashion Week) and I started to binge and purge for the first time.

I vividly remember having what I call "eating blackouts" in front of my food cabinet in the model apartment. I'd feel frenzied and tortured, eating everything in sight and trying to stop myself simultaneously. It felt like a time-warp where I'd be standing in front of the cabinet and then "wake up" with a new jar of peanut butter completely empty in my hands. I'd emerge out of these "black outs" feeling sick to my stomach and immensely guilty. A few minutes later I would go to the bathroom and throw everything up.

To be honest, I do not know if I would have been able to recover as quickly as I did without letting my eating disorder get this bad. Similar to others suffering from an eating disorder, my initial ED was motivated by the need to be thin. When I started to uncontrollably binge, I gained more weight which made modeling feel even more impossible to continue. But quitting modeling is not what saved me.

I started to heal when my motivations started to shift. Many horrible side effects came with the new binging/purging pattern.  I always felt sick to my stomach and overly full, I continuously had a putrid taste in my mouth and I was constantly running to the bathroom or throwing up in my mouth. Slowly, my motivation to binge was overpowered by my motivation to not feel physically sick/ nauseous  overly full.

The shift was powerful. I started to notice that while I wanted to remain thin, I wanted to stop feeling constantly sick to my stomach more. Previously, I starved myself to avoid feeling "guilty" or "fat", but after getting deep into the binge/purge cycle, feeling physically "sick" was what I wanted to avoid. This was not a deliberate shift but a very natural one.

With this, I found myself making fewer late night trips to the cabinet. While it took months to stop binging/purging, this consciousness also allowed me to notice my trigger foods. Because I wanted to stop feeling sick, I soon wanted to avoid them. My need to be thin was finally overpowered by a new need.

While it has been about 5 years since I've fully recovered, I can tell you this: My need to avoid feeling sick from eating still remains. This has help me immensely in never relapsing. Instead of overeating, I am now programmed to stop when I'm satisfied. I'm happily a "grazer" instead of a "meals person." I don't eat large three meals a day, I eat smaller meals when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied. I also eat snacks when I want them. Finally, food is just food again and there is no more emotion or pain attached (thank god). Of course I'll sit down for a big dinner now and then, but  the temptation to keep eating "just cuz" is not there. I'll take the to-go container, please.

Have any other readers who are fully recovered ever noticed a key motivation shift that lead to their recovery as I have? For me I could boil it down to this: something needs to overpower your need to feel thin/feel control.

Please share your stories with me. I'd love to hear them! Margaretjmccabe@gmail.com

xoxo

Meggasus

My Eating Disorder Stories: 

Popcorn 

There is one memory in particular that I'm still embarrassed by. During the time I had a full-blown eating disorder I had a few of my high school friends come over to watch a movie. Like a good hostess, I would always offer my friends snacks. To me, offering them snacks felt like a giant mental hurdle because I knew I'd "cave" and eat snacks with them. I knew that by the end of the night I'd feel sick to my stomach from over eating.

At the beginning of the night I threw a bag of plain popcorn into the microwave (that's right, no butter or salt...of course)! While the popcorn was popping I ran down stairs to start the movie. After a few minutes, I remembered the popcorn and came leaping up the basement stairs to get it. As I arrived to the top of the stairs my mom handed me a nice size bowl of popcorn and smiled. 

I grabbed the bowl and immediately ate a few pieces of the popcorn.

God forbid! I tasted salt.

SALT! Like a spoiled brat, I shot my mom the "look of death" when I realized she had salted the popcorn. I was so pissed that she had lightly salted the popcorn. I remember feeling like she had just ruined the popcorn. I don't remember what I said, but I remember seeing a very surprised look on her face. With a defensive tone my mom explained that she wanted to give it more flavor. I still cringe when I think about what I put my mom through that night and every day. Imagine having to defend yourself for salting popcorn at a movie night in your own home!  She could have sprinkled pesticide on the popcorn and I would have had the same horrified reaction. My poor mom was just being thoughtful and I, in my unhealthy universe, felt angry and attacked.

In retrospect my Mom had done something totally normal. Most normal, healthy people add salt or butter to their popcorn without thinking because it makes the popcorn taste really good! Sadly, when you're sick and suffering from an eating disorder, every calorie, every grain of salt, counts.

While this anecdote is a brief one, it highlights a few important red flags or potential signs of eating disorders:

You might have an eating disorder if:

1) You're obsessing over the super nitty-gritty details of your food
2) Your food/eating patterns impact your relationships with family and friends
3) Food becomes an emotional roller coaster

Sharing this makes me curious about eating disorders and relationships with family. Have any other readers mistreated their family members because of their disorder? I would love to hear your story. Feel free to share with me at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com. Thank you!

xx

Meggasus

Attaching Emotions to Food

From what I gather, eating disorders happen when you start attaching negative emotions to food and eating. I'm still contemplating whether or not attaching positive emotions will shoot you down the rabbit hole too.

I remember talking to a friend of mine about her relationship with alcohol. My friend was starting to go to AA (Alcoholic's Anonymous) meetings. She told me that she would feel extreme guilt on the mornings after drinking and that she would obsess about when and where she would encounter her next drink. For me, I instantly related this to my previous experiences with an eating disorder. I vividly remember obsessing over the next meal, the number of calories in a meal and ultimately feeling guilt after eating. What I've recently learned is that eating disorders are very closely related to addiction.

The second you start attaching emotions to your food and eating, mainly guilt or shame, you might want to wonder if you have a problem. Guilt and shame fuel reactionary patterns, such as punishment. When you have an eating disorder, what do you do after eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's? You hate yourself for it and then punish yourself with hours at the gym, throwing the food up or perhaps starvation. After you've punished yourself enough, you eventually feel better and eat again, and the whole cycle starts over.

The cycle of attaching emotion to food kind of looks like this:

Eating--> feeling guilt/shame-->punishment-->feeling better-->temptation-->eating-->more guilt and shame.  (This is not a fun world to live in)!

A healthy relationship with food looks like this:

Eating--> no longer hungry-->go about your day-->feel hungry again--> eat. (NO EMOTIONS)!

To prevent attaching emotion to food be mindful of your thoughts and language. Do not place any "right" or "wrong", "good" or "bad" judgements on your food or yourself when you're eating. Avoid saying phrases like "Oh we are SO bad for eating this pizza!" Or, "I feel so guilty for that donut."

Here's something to remember: feeling "fat" or "gross" or disgusting" are not emotions! Most likely,  you're actually feeling guilt and shame.

Happy Friday!

xo

Meggasus

What helped me recover

(A Recollection)

As I mentioned in my first post, this blog is meant to help those who are struggling with eating disorders and poor body image.  By reflecting on my own experiences and taking the time to learn and collect information, I hope to gain clarity on the recovery process and hopefully develop theories and practises that are applicable to helping many men and women heal. I plan to get my LCSW and develop my own therapy/coaching practice that specializes in eating disorder recovery, body kindness and self esteem.

Here are a few things I did that helped me recover- perhaps you could apply one or two to your own healing process and see if they help you too.

1) I removed myself from a toxic environment. In 2009 I quit modeling altogether. I moved out of the model apartment in New York City and back home with my parents. By no longer living in the model apartment I was no longer surrounded by the unrealistic body standards of the fashion industry and there were no models to constantly compare myself to. 

How might this help you? Ask yourself: Am I existing in a toxic environment for my recovery? If so, How can I remove myself from this environment and where can I go instead?

2) I opened up to others about my experience. Having an eating disorder can be shameful and it's tempting to keep it secret. When I started to verbally admit to or even just elude to the fact I had a disorder my recovery felt more real and obtainable. Hearing people react and respond to my stories gave the experience a bit more reality, and the reactions reinforced that choosing recovery was the right thing to do. 

How might this help you? Ask yourself: Have I opened up about my experiences yet? Who might I want to open up to? How do people respond when I share my experiences with them?

On a side note- you do not have to open up about your experiences to the most important people in your life first. The first time I verbally admitted to having an eating disorder was to a co-worker I was hostessing at a restaurant with. I had known her for two weeks, tops. In retrospect, this disclosure felt very light and matter of fact and made future disclosures less terrifying.

3) I went to therapy. This feels like an obvious path to recovery, but many people choose not to go to therapy. I know several girls who have not been to therapy for their disorders and they still have disorders. I found a therapist who specialized in eating disorders. I cried a ton, but I also started to own my narrative and rebuild confidence. I went to therapy weekly for 3-4 months and I can honestly say I do not think I would have recovered without it.

How might this help you? Ask yourself: Do I have access to therapy? Where can I go to get help? Try reaching out to a few therapists in your area. If you do not have access to affordable counseling you could try an online resource, such as 7 Cups of Tea.

4) I fell in love. I owe much of my recovery to falling in love. Additionally, being sexually active for the first time helped me connect to my body in a new way and I developed a deeper appreciation for my body. Having a boyfriend who "didn't give a flying fuck" (direct quote) about my perceived body "flaws" was the most needed reality check in the world. Allowing someone else to love my body on a physical level gave me a new confidence in my body I had never had.

I'm not saying "go seek external validation." No, a person does not need external validation to recover. For my unique experience, having someone love my body post- recovery weight felt amazing and turned into a piece of lasting personal evidence that my body was acceptable, attractive and powerful.

How might this help you? Ask yourself: How specifically does my body serve me in a positive way? What proof do I have that my body is powerful? Who completely supports my recovery process?

Please feel free to send me your list! I will be happy to hear from you at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com.

xox

Meggasus

Are Eating Disorders "Contagious?"

When I had an eating disorder my behaviors and weight loss became noticeable to my loved ones. As an identical twin, I'm always instantly compared to my sister and vice versa. We're compared on essentially every level of life- profession, relationships, income, beauty and yes, weight. In 2007/2008 as I slowly and insidiously became ill, Katie (my twin) did too. She took on the same diet restrictions and purging habits. Eventually, one of our best friends started purging to loose weight too.

Over the years I cringe thinking about this, but was my disorder a catalyst for other known and potentially unknown disorders? I think about the lunch room in high school- was my 100 calorie yogurt and superhuman self control at lunch affecting the psyche and self esteem of my dear friends? *Shudder*.  There could be a correlation here but of course there will always be other factors (genetics, demographics, other social aspects) involved.

The International Journal for Eating Disorders sites that symptoms of eating disorders can be found in clusters of different communities and social groups. Perhaps, my lunch table and social circle was heavily influenced by each other and my pressure to be thin. According to the journal,  “These findings confirm the strong social influences on female adolescents in the U.S. to be thin, sometimes using unhealthy behaviors to achieve this goal.” 

On a very serious note, I may be to blame for two (or more) amazing, beautiful women getting eating disorders. There's a lesson to learn from this- If you're aware of your problem, it is your social responsibility to seek help. If you are brave and really ready to heal, you might even want to disclose your awareness of your illness to your closest friends and family, so they can also make the distinction that your habits are not healthy. This will protect them from normalizing or takin on your negative habits.

Over the years I've gained an awareness to protect my loved ones from every being caught up in the pressure to be thin. Bare minimum, there are a few things you can do to minimize the "social contagion" of your own illness. Much of this involves being smart about your use of language and managing your behaviors.

In general, It is supremely important that everyone is aware that their language and behaviors around eating, food and body image.

How to minimize the "social contagion" with eating disorders and poor body image:

1) Do not talk about anyone's weight gain or weigh loss, including your own

2) Do not say negative or critical comments about other people's bodies or your own

3) Avoid expressing your guilt/shame for eating in front of your friends

4) Do not comment on how much (or how little) food you or your friend is eating

5) If your friend is engaging in negative eating habits, do not participate. 

6) Do not obsessively talk about your food OR the food your friends choose to eat

As a teenager I knew I had a problem but I did not have the wisdom or ability to protect my friends from "catching" this illness. I do not know if it is possible to have this illness and this awareness at the same time. At the time I did not want to heal and did not want to change my habits.

This is obviously a difficult subject to take on. If you have any insight, opinions or any ideas on how to minimize the "social contagion" of eating disorders, please let me know at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com.

Thank you!

xx 

Meggasus

Model apartment memories

Model Apartment Memories

While everyone's experience with their eating disorder is unique, I do consider mine to be unusual compared to others I've heard.  Over the years I've described it as a "situational" eating disorder. According to the Alliance for Eating Disorders, I could say mine was derived from "social factors".

My whole life I've been a lanky beanpole. I'm 5'11'' and to this day I proudly identify with giraffes. I never felt like the "fat friend" and I never had any major complaints about my general appearance growing up (besides acne).  I starved myself so I could be a fashion model in New York City and walk the runways during Fashion Week. "Sleek-ifying" my body was my ticket to a non-conventional, glamorous life filled with fame, luxury, fashion and travel.

When I graduated high school I signed with a major New York City agency and moved into a modeling apartment in Union Square. I lived there with about 8 other girls. The model apartment was a hub for strange eating habits and rituals, and I want to document a few of them here. I do not know if these girls had eating disorders too or how intense their personal experiences were. Food was something we hardly talked about. I also share these memories to shed light on the uniqueness of everyone's experiences and raise awareness. I do not encourage taking on these habits whatsoever.  I lived with girls from all over the globe between the ages of 14-23 and here's what I remember-

The Swedish Girl (18 years old)- She would eat apples only. She's go into the kitchen and slowly dice her apple into small pieces and put them into a mug. Then, she would eat the apple pieces one-by-one using a fork. What is usually a quick 95 calorie snack turned into a 60 minute dining experience. She'd also have a cup of tea with her apple. When I was struggling with my disorder, I envied her endurance in a way. I envied the fact she would eat only one apple and nothing else.

The Polish Girl (15 years old)- She was a funny case. She was highly emotionally volatile and immature. The agency would give her $200.00 per week to spend on food because she did not have any income. Instead of buying food, she saved that money and bought an i-pod (it was 2009)! I remember she would eat one slice of white bread, one slice of cheese and a slice of tomato once a day. I also remember that she ate fruit occasionally. One time someone ate her apple and she was convinced it was the cleaning lady! She made it her vendetta to get the cleaning lady (who was also polish) fired.

The Midwestern Girl (16 years old)- She would conserve energy. She wouldn't work out or move around much. When she wasn't working she would just sit on the couch all day without eating or burning many calories. She eventually picked up smoking, which killed her appetite.

The Brazilian Girl (20 years old)- I could never figure out this girl's habits. She might have been totally healthy! She would come home with McDonalds and the rest of us would hover near her to catch a whiff of the french fries! Thinking back, she was also BY FAR the most successful and well-established model in the apartment. She's eat McDonalds and then go to a Victoria's Secret photoshoot. Go figure!

I am in the process of reaching out to a few old friends from the fashion world. If you've worked in the fashion industry and noticed some interested habits with food and eating, please feel free to comment or share them with me at meggasus@gmail.com. Thank you!

Have a wonderful day! 

xx

Meggasus

Finally some clarity on the "Life Coaching" thing

Finally some clarity on the "Life Coaching" thing

2015/2016 were interesting years for me. Driven to "be my own boss" and "help people on a more personal level" I left my lovely 9-5 job in public health to pursue my dream of being a vaguely defined "life coach." After months of hustling, I got tired of going to networking events and getting confused stares when I announced my new job title. My announcement was always, 100% of the time, followed up with this question that still mortifies me to the bone:

So WHAT exactly does a life coach do?

Damn! Suddenly I'd be fiercely defending my new career path. I'd talk in circles about the value of coaching, how coaches are different than therapists, the benefits of coaching, etc.

I did gain a lot of traction- I hosted ten events in New York City in a year, built a hefty roster of clients, produced a sizable mailing list and crafted a few kick-ass programs.

As a "life coach" I tried to cover all the bases- goal setting, spirituality, dating and relationships, relaxation, etc. The only thing that seemed to really move others was when I'd talk about my previous experiences with an eating disorder and my recovery.

So, long story short- no more life coaching for me.

Now, my goal is to focus on working with men and women who have a negative relationship with food and eating. I want to specialize in coaching people through this experience and provide them with the tools and support (in addition to therapy) that they may need to recover.

After experiencing the sacred yet messy process of making many mistakes, I've learned that the "now or never" mindset which I had in 2015 is dangerous.... it's also a sign of an ego-wave (more on that later). To specialize my coaching practice will a lot of take time and I'm ready to put in the effort. This year I will be focusing on information gathering, research and specialization.

This blog will be used to connect those struggling with food/eating to information, stories, and resources. This blog will be my documented journey towards specialization and expertise. I will also be developing my own ideas/theories for my practice which I will share. Use my story and what is written/posted here to help you through your personal experience. Thank you for reading, sharing and supporting me in this adventure. There will be grammatical errors and perhaps a few spelling errors but hey at least I'm putting myself out there!

xx

Meggasus

PS- I haven't blogged in 5 years! Totally wild!