Reclaim your BOOTY!

RECLAIM YOUR BOOTY!

And just like that I'm blogging again. Meg here! It has been about 6 years years since Katie and I retired our fashion blog, Meggasus Pegasus and Katie-Lu. I recently turned 26, and it's time to start a new blog. 

 During my original blogging days (circa 2009) I had recently quit modeling and gave up a coveted modeling contract with a top NYC agency. Little did our blog readers know, I had quit modeling because I was struggling with a serious eating disorder. While I kept this information hidden on the original blog, I am now 100% recovered and ready to share the details on this new blog, "Baby Got Back".

That's right. Baby got her health back, her happiness back and her goddamn amazing body back.

While I've already written a few entries, today will be the first day I post this new blog to social media. I feel super vulnerable and also up for the challenge. I refuse to sweep my story under the rug and pretend it never happened. I feel lucky because I can fully own my experience and use it to break stigma and help others who might be suffering too.

 I went into detail on why I'm starting this blog in the first post. To summarize what I've already written, this blog will be used to connect those who have negative relationships with food, eating and their bodies to information, stories, and resources. This blog will be my documented journey towards specialization and expertise as I plan to become a therapist/coach to help others through their personal experiences. I will also be developing my own ideas/theories for my eventual private practice. I invite you to use my story and what is written/posted on this blog to help you and/or your loved ones feel empowered and recover.

Thank you for your kindness and support. I hope you follow the blog, share it on social media and keep up with my work. I encourage you to email me about your own experiences and other ideas for the blog. 

Stay in touch by e-mailing margaretjmccabe@gmail.com :)

xx

Meggasus

When my Motivation Changed
(How I could finally recover)

In high school my eating disorder started quietly with a casual diet. After some time, my eating became very restrictive and this turned to extreme dieting. When my guilt attached to eating intensified, I started to purge my food. After purging my meals for some time, I entered a very stressful period of my life (New York Fashion Week) and I started to binge and purge for the first time.

I vividly remember having what I call "eating blackouts" in front of my food cabinet in the model apartment. I'd feel frenzied and tortured, eating everything in sight and trying to stop myself simultaneously. It felt like a time-warp where I'd be standing in front of the cabinet and then "wake up" with a new jar of peanut butter completely empty in my hands. I'd emerge out of these "black outs" feeling sick to my stomach and immensely guilty. A few minutes later I would go to the bathroom and throw everything up.

To be honest, I do not know if I would have been able to recover as quickly as I did without letting my eating disorder get this bad. Similar to others suffering from an eating disorder, my initial ED was motivated by the need to be thin. When I started to uncontrollably binge, I gained more weight which made modeling feel even more impossible to continue. But quitting modeling is not what saved me.

I started to heal when my motivations started to shift. Many horrible side effects came with the new binging/purging pattern.  I always felt sick to my stomach and overly full, I continuously had a putrid taste in my mouth and I was constantly running to the bathroom or throwing up in my mouth. Slowly, my motivation to binge was overpowered by my motivation to not feel physically sick/ nauseous  overly full.

The shift was powerful. I started to notice that while I wanted to remain thin, I wanted to stop feeling constantly sick to my stomach more. Previously, I starved myself to avoid feeling "guilty" or "fat", but after getting deep into the binge/purge cycle, feeling physically "sick" was what I wanted to avoid. This was not a deliberate shift but a very natural one.

With this, I found myself making fewer late night trips to the cabinet. While it took months to stop binging/purging, this consciousness also allowed me to notice my trigger foods. Because I wanted to stop feeling sick, I soon wanted to avoid them. My need to be thin was finally overpowered by a new need.

While it has been about 5 years since I've fully recovered, I can tell you this: My need to avoid feeling sick from eating still remains. This has help me immensely in never relapsing. Instead of overeating, I am now programmed to stop when I'm satisfied. I'm happily a "grazer" instead of a "meals person." I don't eat large three meals a day, I eat smaller meals when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satisfied. I also eat snacks when I want them. Finally, food is just food again and there is no more emotion or pain attached (thank god). Of course I'll sit down for a big dinner now and then, but  the temptation to keep eating "just cuz" is not there. I'll take the to-go container, please.

Have any other readers who are fully recovered ever noticed a key motivation shift that lead to their recovery as I have? For me I could boil it down to this: something needs to overpower your need to feel thin/feel control.

Please share your stories with me. I'd love to hear them! Margaretjmccabe@gmail.com

xoxo

Meggasus

My Eating Disorder Stories: 

Popcorn 

There is one memory in particular that I'm still embarrassed by. During the time I had a full-blown eating disorder I had a few of my high school friends come over to watch a movie. Like a good hostess, I would always offer my friends snacks. To me, offering them snacks felt like a giant mental hurdle because I knew I'd "cave" and eat snacks with them. I knew that by the end of the night I'd feel sick to my stomach from over eating.

At the beginning of the night I threw a bag of plain popcorn into the microwave (that's right, no butter or salt...of course)! While the popcorn was popping I ran down stairs to start the movie. After a few minutes, I remembered the popcorn and came leaping up the basement stairs to get it. As I arrived to the top of the stairs my mom handed me a nice size bowl of popcorn and smiled. 

I grabbed the bowl and immediately ate a few pieces of the popcorn.

God forbid! I tasted salt.

SALT! Like a spoiled brat, I shot my mom the "look of death" when I realized she had salted the popcorn. I was so pissed that she had lightly salted the popcorn. I remember feeling like she had just ruined the popcorn. I don't remember what I said, but I remember seeing a very surprised look on her face. With a defensive tone my mom explained that she wanted to give it more flavor. I still cringe when I think about what I put my mom through that night and every day. Imagine having to defend yourself for salting popcorn at a movie night in your own home!  She could have sprinkled pesticide on the popcorn and I would have had the same horrified reaction. My poor mom was just being thoughtful and I, in my unhealthy universe, felt angry and attacked.

In retrospect my Mom had done something totally normal. Most normal, healthy people add salt or butter to their popcorn without thinking because it makes the popcorn taste really good! Sadly, when you're sick and suffering from an eating disorder, every calorie, every grain of salt, counts.

While this anecdote is a brief one, it highlights a few important red flags or potential signs of eating disorders:

You might have an eating disorder if:

1) You're obsessing over the super nitty-gritty details of your food
2) Your food/eating patterns impact your relationships with family and friends
3) Food becomes an emotional roller coaster

Sharing this makes me curious about eating disorders and relationships with family. Have any other readers mistreated their family members because of their disorder? I would love to hear your story. Feel free to share with me at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com. Thank you!

xx

Meggasus

Attaching Emotions to Food

From what I gather, eating disorders happen when you start attaching negative emotions to food and eating. I'm still contemplating whether or not attaching positive emotions will shoot you down the rabbit hole too.

I remember talking to a friend of mine about her relationship with alcohol. My friend was starting to go to AA (Alcoholic's Anonymous) meetings. She told me that she would feel extreme guilt on the mornings after drinking and that she would obsess about when and where she would encounter her next drink. For me, I instantly related this to my previous experiences with an eating disorder. I vividly remember obsessing over the next meal, the number of calories in a meal and ultimately feeling guilt after eating. What I've recently learned is that eating disorders are very closely related to addiction.

The second you start attaching emotions to your food and eating, mainly guilt or shame, you might want to wonder if you have a problem. Guilt and shame fuel reactionary patterns, such as punishment. When you have an eating disorder, what do you do after eating a whole tub of Ben and Jerry's? You hate yourself for it and then punish yourself with hours at the gym, throwing the food up or perhaps starvation. After you've punished yourself enough, you eventually feel better and eat again, and the whole cycle starts over.

The cycle of attaching emotion to food kind of looks like this:

Eating--> feeling guilt/shame-->punishment-->feeling better-->temptation-->eating-->more guilt and shame.  (This is not a fun world to live in)!

A healthy relationship with food looks like this:

Eating--> no longer hungry-->go about your day-->feel hungry again--> eat. (NO EMOTIONS)!

To prevent attaching emotion to food be mindful of your thoughts and language. Do not place any "right" or "wrong", "good" or "bad" judgements on your food or yourself when you're eating. Avoid saying phrases like "Oh we are SO bad for eating this pizza!" Or, "I feel so guilty for that donut."

Here's something to remember: feeling "fat" or "gross" or disgusting" are not emotions! Most likely,  you're actually feeling guilt and shame.

Happy Friday!

xo

Meggasus

What helped me recover

(A Recollection)

As I mentioned in my first post, this blog is meant to help those who are struggling with eating disorders and poor body image.  By reflecting on my own experiences and taking the time to learn and collect information, I hope to gain clarity on the recovery process and hopefully develop theories and practises that are applicable to helping many men and women heal. I plan to get my LCSW and develop my own therapy/coaching practice that specializes in eating disorder recovery, body kindness and self esteem.

Here are a few things I did that helped me recover- perhaps you could apply one or two to your own healing process and see if they help you too.

1) I removed myself from a toxic environment. In 2009 I quit modeling altogether. I moved out of the model apartment in New York City and back home with my parents. By no longer living in the model apartment I was no longer surrounded by the unrealistic body standards of the fashion industry and there were no models to constantly compare myself to. 

How might this help you? Ask yourself: Am I existing in a toxic environment for my recovery? If so, How can I remove myself from this environment and where can I go instead?

2) I opened up to others about my experience. Having an eating disorder can be shameful and it's tempting to keep it secret. When I started to verbally admit to or even just elude to the fact I had a disorder my recovery felt more real and obtainable. Hearing people react and respond to my stories gave the experience a bit more reality, and the reactions reinforced that choosing recovery was the right thing to do. 

How might this help you? Ask yourself: Have I opened up about my experiences yet? Who might I want to open up to? How do people respond when I share my experiences with them?

On a side note- you do not have to open up about your experiences to the most important people in your life first. The first time I verbally admitted to having an eating disorder was to a co-worker I was hostessing at a restaurant with. I had known her for two weeks, tops. In retrospect, this disclosure felt very light and matter of fact and made future disclosures less terrifying.

3) I went to therapy. This feels like an obvious path to recovery, but many people choose not to go to therapy. I know several girls who have not been to therapy for their disorders and they still have disorders. I found a therapist who specialized in eating disorders. I cried a ton, but I also started to own my narrative and rebuild confidence. I went to therapy weekly for 3-4 months and I can honestly say I do not think I would have recovered without it.

How might this help you? Ask yourself: Do I have access to therapy? Where can I go to get help? Try reaching out to a few therapists in your area. If you do not have access to affordable counseling you could try an online resource, such as 7 Cups of Tea.

4) I fell in love. I owe much of my recovery to falling in love. Additionally, being sexually active for the first time helped me connect to my body in a new way and I developed a deeper appreciation for my body. Having a boyfriend who "didn't give a flying fuck" (direct quote) about my perceived body "flaws" was the most needed reality check in the world. Allowing someone else to love my body on a physical level gave me a new confidence in my body I had never had.

I'm not saying "go seek external validation." No, a person does not need external validation to recover. For my unique experience, having someone love my body post- recovery weight felt amazing and turned into a piece of lasting personal evidence that my body was acceptable, attractive and powerful.

How might this help you? Ask yourself: How specifically does my body serve me in a positive way? What proof do I have that my body is powerful? Who completely supports my recovery process?

Please feel free to send me your list! I will be happy to hear from you at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com.

xox

Meggasus

Are Eating Disorders "Contagious?"

When I had an eating disorder my behaviors and weight loss became noticeable to my loved ones. As an identical twin, I'm always instantly compared to my sister and vice versa. We're compared on essentially every level of life- profession, relationships, income, beauty and yes, weight. In 2007/2008 as I slowly and insidiously became ill, Katie (my twin) did too. She took on the same diet restrictions and purging habits. Eventually, one of our best friends started purging to loose weight too.

Over the years I cringe thinking about this, but was my disorder a catalyst for other known and potentially unknown disorders? I think about the lunch room in high school- was my 100 calorie yogurt and superhuman self control at lunch affecting the psyche and self esteem of my dear friends? *Shudder*.  There could be a correlation here but of course there will always be other factors (genetics, demographics, other social aspects) involved.

The International Journal for Eating Disorders sites that symptoms of eating disorders can be found in clusters of different communities and social groups. Perhaps, my lunch table and social circle was heavily influenced by each other and my pressure to be thin. According to the journal,  “These findings confirm the strong social influences on female adolescents in the U.S. to be thin, sometimes using unhealthy behaviors to achieve this goal.” 

On a very serious note, I may be to blame for two (or more) amazing, beautiful women getting eating disorders. There's a lesson to learn from this- If you're aware of your problem, it is your social responsibility to seek help. If you are brave and really ready to heal, you might even want to disclose your awareness of your illness to your closest friends and family, so they can also make the distinction that your habits are not healthy. This will protect them from normalizing or takin on your negative habits.

Over the years I've gained an awareness to protect my loved ones from every being caught up in the pressure to be thin. Bare minimum, there are a few things you can do to minimize the "social contagion" of your own illness. Much of this involves being smart about your use of language and managing your behaviors.

In general, It is supremely important that everyone is aware that their language and behaviors around eating, food and body image.

How to minimize the "social contagion" with eating disorders and poor body image:

1) Do not talk about anyone's weight gain or weigh loss, including your own

2) Do not say negative or critical comments about other people's bodies or your own

3) Avoid expressing your guilt/shame for eating in front of your friends

4) Do not comment on how much (or how little) food you or your friend is eating

5) If your friend is engaging in negative eating habits, do not participate. 

6) Do not obsessively talk about your food OR the food your friends choose to eat

As a teenager I knew I had a problem but I did not have the wisdom or ability to protect my friends from "catching" this illness. I do not know if it is possible to have this illness and this awareness at the same time. At the time I did not want to heal and did not want to change my habits.

This is obviously a difficult subject to take on. If you have any insight, opinions or any ideas on how to minimize the "social contagion" of eating disorders, please let me know at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com.

Thank you!

xx 

Meggasus

Model apartment memories

Model Apartment Memories

While everyone's experience with their eating disorder is unique, I do consider mine to be unusual compared to others I've heard.  Over the years I've described it as a "situational" eating disorder. According to the Alliance for Eating Disorders, I could say mine was derived from "social factors".

My whole life I've been a lanky beanpole. I'm 5'11'' and to this day I proudly identify with giraffes. I never felt like the "fat friend" and I never had any major complaints about my general appearance growing up (besides acne).  I starved myself so I could be a fashion model in New York City and walk the runways during Fashion Week. "Sleek-ifying" my body was my ticket to a non-conventional, glamorous life filled with fame, luxury, fashion and travel.

When I graduated high school I signed with a major New York City agency and moved into a modeling apartment in Union Square. I lived there with about 8 other girls. The model apartment was a hub for strange eating habits and rituals, and I want to document a few of them here. I do not know if these girls had eating disorders too or how intense their personal experiences were. Food was something we hardly talked about. I also share these memories to shed light on the uniqueness of everyone's experiences and raise awareness. I do not encourage taking on these habits whatsoever.  I lived with girls from all over the globe between the ages of 14-23 and here's what I remember-

The Swedish Girl (18 years old)- She would eat apples only. She's go into the kitchen and slowly dice her apple into small pieces and put them into a mug. Then, she would eat the apple pieces one-by-one using a fork. What is usually a quick 95 calorie snack turned into a 60 minute dining experience. She'd also have a cup of tea with her apple. When I was struggling with my disorder, I envied her endurance in a way. I envied the fact she would eat only one apple and nothing else.

The Polish Girl (15 years old)- She was a funny case. She was highly emotionally volatile and immature. The agency would give her $200.00 per week to spend on food because she did not have any income. Instead of buying food, she saved that money and bought an i-pod (it was 2009)! I remember she would eat one slice of white bread, one slice of cheese and a slice of tomato once a day. I also remember that she ate fruit occasionally. One time someone ate her apple and she was convinced it was the cleaning lady! She made it her vendetta to get the cleaning lady (who was also polish) fired.

The Midwestern Girl (16 years old)- She would conserve energy. She wouldn't work out or move around much. When she wasn't working she would just sit on the couch all day without eating or burning many calories. She eventually picked up smoking, which killed her appetite.

The Brazilian Girl (20 years old)- I could never figure out this girl's habits. She might have been totally healthy! She would come home with McDonalds and the rest of us would hover near her to catch a whiff of the french fries! Thinking back, she was also BY FAR the most successful and well-established model in the apartment. She's eat McDonalds and then go to a Victoria's Secret photoshoot. Go figure!

I am in the process of reaching out to a few old friends from the fashion world. If you've worked in the fashion industry and noticed some interested habits with food and eating, please feel free to comment or share them with me at meggasus@gmail.com. Thank you!

Have a wonderful day! 

xx

Meggasus

Finally some clarity on the "Life Coaching" thing

Finally some clarity on the "Life Coaching" thing

2015/2016 were interesting years for me. Driven to "be my own boss" and "help people on a more personal level" I left my lovely 9-5 job in public health to pursue my dream of being a vaguely defined "life coach." After months of hustling, I got tired of going to networking events and getting confused stares when I announced my new job title. My announcement was always, 100% of the time, followed up with this question that still mortifies me to the bone:

So WHAT exactly does a life coach do?

Damn! Suddenly I'd be fiercely defending my new career path. I'd talk in circles about the value of coaching, how coaches are different than therapists, the benefits of coaching, etc.

I did gain a lot of traction- I hosted ten events in New York City in a year, built a hefty roster of clients, produced a sizable mailing list and crafted a few kick-ass programs.

As a "life coach" I tried to cover all the bases- goal setting, spirituality, dating and relationships, relaxation, etc. The only thing that seemed to really move others was when I'd talk about my previous experiences with an eating disorder and my recovery.

So, long story short- no more life coaching for me.

Now, my goal is to focus on working with men and women who have a negative relationship with food and eating. I want to specialize in coaching people through this experience and provide them with the tools and support (in addition to therapy) that they may need to recover.

After experiencing the sacred yet messy process of making many mistakes, I've learned that the "now or never" mindset which I had in 2015 is dangerous.... it's also a sign of an ego-wave (more on that later). To specialize my coaching practice will a lot of take time and I'm ready to put in the effort. This year I will be focusing on information gathering, research and specialization.

This blog will be used to connect those struggling with food/eating to information, stories, and resources. This blog will be my documented journey towards specialization and expertise. I will also be developing my own ideas/theories for my practice which I will share. Use my story and what is written/posted here to help you through your personal experience. Thank you for reading, sharing and supporting me in this adventure. There will be grammatical errors and perhaps a few spelling errors but hey at least I'm putting myself out there!

xx

Meggasus

PS- I haven't blogged in 5 years! Totally wild!