What I Struggle With Now

As I've already mentioned, I am fully recovered from my eating disorder. However, I still struggle with food now and then. Something I've always dealt with is an addiction to sugar.

I know I'm addicted to sugar because I actually get "the itch" for sugar, multiple times a day, including every time I'm done eating a meal. I don't need a full plate of dessert after every meal (though I would LOVE that), I usually need something sweet. For instance, I keep a bag of Dove chocolates in my desk at work to have a few after lunch. At home, I usually have a choice of what sweet item to eat- right now I have cupcakes in the apartment.

If I don't have sugar after every meal, I actually get a little antsy. I will "scavenge" around whichever location I'm in, looking for something sweet. If I'm at work, I most often leave my desk and mosey over to CVS where I buy my fix. Sometimes, it feels as though a meal cannot be completed unless there is dessert too.

One reason I haven't tried to actively end my addiction to sugar is because honestly, I haven't gotten to the point where I really want to give it up yet. (I actually feel like that would be THE WORST). Additionally, it's so socially ingrained into my life too- my family always has desserts whenever I come home, and there's always cake or cookies at each celebration! As someone who is recovered from an eating disorder, I'm also so burned-out from years of dieting and limiting food from my diet, that my "willpower" is officially retired forever. For me, the ability to eat and enjoy all foods again, including ones that used to make me feel "guilty, is a hard-earned victory I am not willing to give up. 

Recently I've been actively trying to eat healthier. I look forward to eating salads every day and cooking my dinners. I feel these habits have made me automatically healthier. However, as my lifestyle has improved, the strong desire for sugar after each meal persists.

Does anyone have tips for me? For those who are recovered, is there anything you struggle with as a "survivor"?

Have a wonderful day!

Meggasus

Baby Got Back

When I decided to "niche-out," and focus on being an eating disorder/ body kindness coach, I realized I needed to get creative and focus more on branding. So, I came up with the most dope-ass body loving blog name ever- "Baby Got Back" with the tagline: "Reclaim your Booty."

People might be wondering, why did Meg name this blog, "Baby Got Back?"

 I chose to name this blog "Baby Got back" for a few reasons. 

1) While the lyrics may be questionable, The Sir Mix A Lot Song, "Baby Got Back" is by far, one of the most body-loving songs on this earth. I grew up in the 90's and went to middle school and high school during the 00's. Whenever the song came on at a school dance or even at bars or clubs nowadays, the energy in the entire room changes. Women suddenly become more energized and holler with excitement. They even put more energy into dancing, which always helps revive the dance floor and get the crowd going. Almost 100% of the time everyone belts the lyrics, and everyone starts dancing with a little more body love- moving their hips, twerking, getting low. It also brings all the wallflowers to the floor. I swear, the song has a magical effect on every crowd. But this might be the least important reason.

2) **THIS IS THE MAIN REASON** There's a double meaning- The obvious meaning is all about having a boooootaaaay. But when it comes to recovery, having a booty and loving it can be a battle in itself. As a writer, I want each reader to rejoice in their booty and their body. The second meaning is more closely tied to recovery. To recover means "to return to a normal state of mind, health or strength." In a sense, it means to "get back" to normal. So, "Baby Got Back" also embraces the act of getting your relationship with your body and food back to normal, or better. Also, when you recover, you get so many things back, including your freedom, your joy, your body etc. In some cases, you even get your awesome butt back if you lost it in the process. (hehe).

3) I love my booty. (Hey hey)!

4) The little person on my logo also has a cute butt if you haven't noticed yet.

5) It's catchy AF and original. Boom.

(My logo has a cute butt).

My Experience with a Dietitian During Recovery

After I quit modeling, I moved back home to Connecticut to focus completely on recovery. I remember that my parents sent me to therapy, with a woman who specialized in eating disorders. I had never gone to therapy before. I remember sitting in the small, sunny room, with a clear intention on getting better. I spoke to my therapist once per week, and I remember just letting her into my world, which felt really good.

However, after some time, she invited me to to see a nutritionist/dietitian that also worked in the building. Perhaps they had a referral system set up. All I remember is, while I was SO ready to heal, my mind was not ready to work with a dietitian.

I remember in the first session, the dietitian asked me to write down what I ate every day. I remember struggling with this idea because I hadn't hit normalcy yet. Some days I would eat 1,000 calories/day and others I would binge an endless number of calories. When she started talking about nutrition, I was not ready to care about that and could care less.

I remember she insisted I start eating oatmeal and coffee with whole milk. She explained that whole milk calcium molecules were large and would coat my stomach somehow, and I would feel full more easily. She also suggested an entire diet plan for me. I remember being so put-off by everything this women suggested. Thinking back, an NLP practitioner would say that this dietitian was not "in rapport" with me or my eating disorder. For instance, she didn't know that heavy dairy was my main trigger for bulimia, and here she was telling me to eat this every day. An NLP practitioner would also say that she did not understand my recovery "map of the world." At that point, I did not give a flying hoot about nutrition or the quality of food I was eating, I just wanted to regain control of my relationship with food, eating and my body by reigning in binge-eating and returning to normalcy.

Needless to say, I cancelled my second session with the dietitian and never worked with one again. I would be curious to know how helpful other people found working with a dietitian to be during recovery. My experience led me to feel mainly misunderstood, like there was a quick-fix diet that would cure my eating disorder. What are you thoughts?

Building a team of people to support your recovery process is crucial. If a dietitian works for you, this may be exactly what you need. Has anyone ever had a positive experience with a dietitian during recovery? In what ways did this person help?

xox Meg