What I Struggle With Now

As I've already mentioned, I am fully recovered from my eating disorder. However, I still struggle with food now and then. Something I've always dealt with is an addiction to sugar.

I know I'm addicted to sugar because I actually get "the itch" for sugar, multiple times a day, including every time I'm done eating a meal. I don't need a full plate of dessert after every meal (though I would LOVE that), I usually need something sweet. For instance, I keep a bag of Dove chocolates in my desk at work to have a few after lunch. At home, I usually have a choice of what sweet item to eat- right now I have cupcakes in the apartment.

If I don't have sugar after every meal, I actually get a little antsy. I will "scavenge" around whichever location I'm in, looking for something sweet. If I'm at work, I most often leave my desk and mosey over to CVS where I buy my fix. Sometimes, it feels as though a meal cannot be completed unless there is dessert too.

One reason I haven't tried to actively end my addiction to sugar is because honestly, I haven't gotten to the point where I really want to give it up yet. (I actually feel like that would be THE WORST). Additionally, it's so socially ingrained into my life too- my family always has desserts whenever I come home, and there's always cake or cookies at each celebration! As someone who is recovered from an eating disorder, I'm also so burned-out from years of dieting and limiting food from my diet, that my "willpower" is officially retired forever. For me, the ability to eat and enjoy all foods again, including ones that used to make me feel "guilty, is a hard-earned victory I am not willing to give up. 

Recently I've been actively trying to eat healthier. I look forward to eating salads every day and cooking my dinners. I feel these habits have made me automatically healthier. However, as my lifestyle has improved, the strong desire for sugar after each meal persists.

Does anyone have tips for me? For those who are recovered, is there anything you struggle with as a "survivor"?

Have a wonderful day!

Meggasus

Baby Got Back

When I decided to "niche-out," and focus on being an eating disorder/ body kindness coach, I realized I needed to get creative and focus more on branding. So, I came up with the most dope-ass body loving blog name ever- "Baby Got Back" with the tagline: "Reclaim your Booty."

People might be wondering, why did Meg name this blog, "Baby Got Back?"

 I chose to name this blog "Baby Got back" for a few reasons. 

1) While the lyrics may be questionable, The Sir Mix A Lot Song, "Baby Got Back" is by far, one of the most body-loving songs on this earth. I grew up in the 90's and went to middle school and high school during the 00's. Whenever the song came on at a school dance or even at bars or clubs nowadays, the energy in the entire room changes. Women suddenly become more energized and holler with excitement. They even put more energy into dancing, which always helps revive the dance floor and get the crowd going. Almost 100% of the time everyone belts the lyrics, and everyone starts dancing with a little more body love- moving their hips, twerking, getting low. It also brings all the wallflowers to the floor. I swear, the song has a magical effect on every crowd. But this might be the least important reason.

2) **THIS IS THE MAIN REASON** There's a double meaning- The obvious meaning is all about having a boooootaaaay. But when it comes to recovery, having a booty and loving it can be a battle in itself. As a writer, I want each reader to rejoice in their booty and their body. The second meaning is more closely tied to recovery. To recover means "to return to a normal state of mind, health or strength." In a sense, it means to "get back" to normal. So, "Baby Got Back" also embraces the act of getting your relationship with your body and food back to normal, or better. Also, when you recover, you get so many things back, including your freedom, your joy, your body etc. In some cases, you even get your awesome butt back if you lost it in the process. (hehe).

3) I love my booty. (Hey hey)!

4) The little person on my logo also has a cute butt if you haven't noticed yet.

5) It's catchy AF and original. Boom.

(My logo has a cute butt).

My Experience with a Dietitian During Recovery

After I quit modeling, I moved back home to Connecticut to focus completely on recovery. I remember that my parents sent me to therapy, with a woman who specialized in eating disorders. I had never gone to therapy before. I remember sitting in the small, sunny room, with a clear intention on getting better. I spoke to my therapist once per week, and I remember just letting her into my world, which felt really good.

However, after some time, she invited me to to see a nutritionist/dietitian that also worked in the building. Perhaps they had a referral system set up. All I remember is, while I was SO ready to heal, my mind was not ready to work with a dietitian.

I remember in the first session, the dietitian asked me to write down what I ate every day. I remember struggling with this idea because I hadn't hit normalcy yet. Some days I would eat 1,000 calories/day and others I would binge an endless number of calories. When she started talking about nutrition, I was not ready to care about that and could care less.

I remember she insisted I start eating oatmeal and coffee with whole milk. She explained that whole milk calcium molecules were large and would coat my stomach somehow, and I would feel full more easily. She also suggested an entire diet plan for me. I remember being so put-off by everything this women suggested. Thinking back, an NLP practitioner would say that this dietitian was not "in rapport" with me or my eating disorder. For instance, she didn't know that heavy dairy was my main trigger for bulimia, and here she was telling me to eat this every day. An NLP practitioner would also say that she did not understand my recovery "map of the world." At that point, I did not give a flying hoot about nutrition or the quality of food I was eating, I just wanted to regain control of my relationship with food, eating and my body by reigning in binge-eating and returning to normalcy.

Needless to say, I cancelled my second session with the dietitian and never worked with one again. I would be curious to know how helpful other people found working with a dietitian to be during recovery. My experience led me to feel mainly misunderstood, like there was a quick-fix diet that would cure my eating disorder. What are you thoughts?

Building a team of people to support your recovery process is crucial. If a dietitian works for you, this may be exactly what you need. Has anyone ever had a positive experience with a dietitian during recovery? In what ways did this person help?

xox Meg

It's not all about the Calories

When I had an eating disorder, working out was not fun because my motivations were all wrong. I would drag myself to the gym, only to slave over the treadmill or go to a cardio class. I would fixate on the part of the screen that told me how many calories I had burned and watch every second tick by.

Seven years later, my relationship to working out has completely evolved. Being recovered, my main motivation is not "getting skinny" or "loosing weight." It's honestly about feeling good and boosting confidence in my body. Looking back, here are the things that have changed for me:

1) I'd rather be strong- When I had an ED, my swim coach kept telling me to start lifting weights and build muscle. I was afraid of looking bulky, so I only did cardio work-outs. Now I actually work out to build muscle. I want to be toned and strong; and I embrace muscle mass, I am bold enough to be the only girl in the weight section of the gym. Muscle on women in sexy; and any guy who tells you otherwise needs to check himself!

2) I ditched the treadmill- I haven't ran on a treadmill in over a year. I realized I WILL NEVER LIKE IT. Also, there are other machines that will give me a better cardio work out and also tone my body up. I try to use a machine with high resistance, like the Stair Master. I noticed that my natural state isn't speedy. I like taking it slower than a run or even a jog. Also, now that I SLAY the Stair Master at a slower pace, I listen to slower rap/hip hop like Drake or Migos which fits my ideal pace.

3) I made it social- I have friends at the gym now! This brings joy to each gym visit and helps you stay accountable to show up. Nothing is more motivating than having your friends text you to get you to come to class.

4) I go there to party- That's right, the gym is all about two things for me: Dancing (Zumba) and music. I look forward to listening to my "Get Turnt" playlist on Spotify and I give Zumba my all, mainly because dancing will always, without a doubt, make me immediately happy.

5) I don't care if I get skinny- I am happy with the way my body looks now. I haven't weight myself in mooooonths. I do care about how many push-ups I can do (not many, but still)! I do care about having a toned body. I do care about being happy with my appearance. I do care about becoming a dancer. I do care about listening to rap. I do care about my booty. 

6) I go to the gym energized- Oh, one more important thing! I am never starving when I go to the gym. (I eat before and after)! One reason why I dreaded going to the gym 7 years ago was because I was working out on empty. I had not fuel in my body from starvation so I was too tired to really push myself during work-outs. 

I recently posted a survey to get a sense about what helped others recover from their disorder. Out of the 32 respondents, a handful of them mentioned seeing a personal trainer. If you don't have money to afford one, you could try shift your gym motivations by embracing the items above. 

Best of luck to you now!

xoxo Meg

I have Changed my Mind About Ed Sheeran

When Ed Sheeran came onto the scene several years ago, I found his music to be catching. I pictured a sexy guy with brown hair and classic good looks. When I realized he was a flaming redhead at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in 2014, I was disappointed because by my definition of the word, he looked like a huge nerd who had never even talked to a girl in his life.

 In recent years I've listened to some of his more upbeat hits and I've really enjoyed them. My feelings of annoyance make it so I usually switch stations when his slow, painstaking ballads like "Photograph" start to play. But on the flip-side, I really love his song "Shape of You" and I will always, 100%-without-a-doubt start dancing wherever I am when that song turns on.

Yesterday I had "Shape of You" stuck in my head so I googled the song to watch the music video while taking a break at work.

Ladies and Gents, if you haven't seen this video I highly recommend it. If you have mixed feelings about Ed Sheeran like I do, than this will turn you into a permanent fan.

Here are the reasons why I'm obsessed with this music video:

1) The message kicks ass- It's all about loving the female body. The lead female in the video is an athlete, which made me so happy to see. When I first heard this song I pictured a curvier women playing an insecure role, who he meets, falls for, and eventually helps her gain more confidence to love her body- I WAS SO WRONG. It's about a strong female boxer who is toned, already confident and hardworking. YES!

2)Ed Sheeran is covered in tattoos- Apparently this is a well-known fact, but in case you've been living under a rock like myself, you might like him better when you see his entire body is covered in colorful tattoos. Nerd be gone!

3) The casting is superb- In the video the female lead is a beautiful woman who appears to biracial. I love the diversity Ed chose to bring on to the screen.

4)The diner scene- After he and his love interest work out, they go to a diner and she orders a salad while he orders fried chicken. At first I thought this was a little concerning, but then he throws a piece of chicken onto her plate with a vibe that says, "Women, you're beautiful and I want to show you I'm supportive of women with an appetite."

I could list a million more reasons, but I need to get ready for work!

Take a look at the video here. Enjoy!

xox Meg

The Power of Support Groups in Recovery

Last night at10:30pm I published a casual survey online for people who have a difficult relationship with food and their bodies. (Click here to take it)! It is now 6:02am and I already have 17 responses. Honestly, its kind of a pain-in-the-butt kind of a survey, because it has several open ended questions. I think the fact that 17 people have completed the survey (which is anonymous) in less than 12 hours after it was posted, shows that eating disorders are soooo common and that we are NOT alone in this fight.

However, I think when people are in the midst of a disorder, they do feel very alone, ashamed and isolated. After  glancing at some of the data, it is obvious to me that participants are in need of a better support group out there. Personally, I never went to a support group because I didn't know where to find any at age 18. If there was a group I could easily access, would I have gone? I'm not sure.

I did participate in a female empowerment group that focused on Body Love when I was in college. I found the group to be powerful, positive and surprisingly helpful. The survey seems to highlight what is good and bad about support groups. Here's what I've gathered so far.

Why do support groups help?

1) You create a network of individuals who want you to achieve success

2) You get the chance to share your story in a judge-free environment

3) You can discover things about yourself by listening to other people's experiences

4) You have a safe place to admit you have a problem

5) You learn for a fact that you're truly not alone

6) Access to helpful resources you might not have discovered

What is the struggle with support groups?

1) They're not easy to access most of the time

2) Sometimes they do not work with your schedule

3)Women are too afraid to show up

4) It can be a negative and highly emotional experience 

5) If you don't have someone to go with, you may not go.

6) Not a lot of individualized attention.

7) Listening to stories may be triggering.

I'm thinking about starting some sort of support group. Does anyone have any experiences with this? I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas! 

xox

Meg

Social Media and Recovery

The world has transformed immensely since I had my eating disorder about 9/10 years ago. I think about the number of ways a modern woman can be scrutinized over her looks, and it astounds me to think of the social media platforms that now exist that enable men and women with eating disorders.

Instagram, for example, didn't exist when I was a model. Back in the 00's, other models and I would sit in our living room, googling our names to see who had been posting about us online on various social message boards. On thefashionspot.com, there was even an entire thread dedicated to gossiping about the weight of different models- from weight gain to weight loss, including photos. This thread would get brutal. I remember comparing my body shape and size to the models on this thread, aiming to have a more sleek, linear look to match the photos of the models I idolized.  Back then, the original "social influencers" were bloggers who produced actual written content. These were the people invited to fashion shows and featured in magazines. Now there is a subtle or not-so-subtle amount narcissism that social influencers seem to all have that didn't exist back then.

I couldn't imagine how Instagram would have fed my eating disorder. In many ways, Instagram has helped models become their own managers, which is pretty amazing. Your entire account is like a personal modeling portfolio that every photographer, stylist and designer can view and use to book you directly. It's made models more accessible, but it's also changed the way a model's success is measured. Obviously, a fashion label will want to work with a model who has 200k followers over one with 500, no matter how uniquely beautiful the latter is.

I think of what's accessible now. For instance there are toxic hashtags like #transformationtuesday or #fitspiration that can lead a sick person down a dark rabbit hole of "thinspiration."There are filters that obscure the visual truth, and even apps to subtly (or not so subtly) make your waistline thinner or your jawline stronger. We even have entire blogs dedicated to food, that girls who are starving themselves can (figuratively) devour.

We also have Facebook Live, which in my opinion, is the most annoying feature out there. Aspiring fitness coaches (who seem to over-obsess with their meals and bodies publicly) post videos listing their diet plans and expressing their guilt when it goes awry. They're friends who are oblivious to the symptoms of eating disorders congratulate them on the weightless and discipline. These sick people encounter positive reinforcement daily and are championed by their peers to keep up the "good work." For those of you who are currently struggling and watch the videos, are they a trigger source or do they amplify your strength in knowing that you're not alone in this fight?

These are all questions I need to sift through. If you have any opinions or stories about social media use and eating disorders, please feel free to share them with me at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com.

xoxo

Meg

PS- Day 3 is complete!