It's not all about the Calories

When I had an eating disorder, working out was not fun because my motivations were all wrong. I would drag myself to the gym, only to slave over the treadmill or go to a cardio class. I would fixate on the part of the screen that told me how many calories I had burned and watch every second tick by.

Seven years later, my relationship to working out has completely evolved. Being recovered, my main motivation is not "getting skinny" or "loosing weight." It's honestly about feeling good and boosting confidence in my body. Looking back, here are the things that have changed for me:

1) I'd rather be strong- When I had an ED, my swim coach kept telling me to start lifting weights and build muscle. I was afraid of looking bulky, so I only did cardio work-outs. Now I actually work out to build muscle. I want to be toned and strong; and I embrace muscle mass, I am bold enough to be the only girl in the weight section of the gym. Muscle on women in sexy; and any guy who tells you otherwise needs to check himself!

2) I ditched the treadmill- I haven't ran on a treadmill in over a year. I realized I WILL NEVER LIKE IT. Also, there are other machines that will give me a better cardio work out and also tone my body up. I try to use a machine with high resistance, like the Stair Master. I noticed that my natural state isn't speedy. I like taking it slower than a run or even a jog. Also, now that I SLAY the Stair Master at a slower pace, I listen to slower rap/hip hop like Drake or Migos which fits my ideal pace.

3) I made it social- I have friends at the gym now! This brings joy to each gym visit and helps you stay accountable to show up. Nothing is more motivating than having your friends text you to get you to come to class.

4) I go there to party- That's right, the gym is all about two things for me: Dancing (Zumba) and music. I look forward to listening to my "Get Turnt" playlist on Spotify and I give Zumba my all, mainly because dancing will always, without a doubt, make me immediately happy.

5) I don't care if I get skinny- I am happy with the way my body looks now. I haven't weight myself in mooooonths. I do care about how many push-ups I can do (not many, but still)! I do care about having a toned body. I do care about being happy with my appearance. I do care about becoming a dancer. I do care about listening to rap. I do care about my booty. 

6) I go to the gym energized- Oh, one more important thing! I am never starving when I go to the gym. (I eat before and after)! One reason why I dreaded going to the gym 7 years ago was because I was working out on empty. I had not fuel in my body from starvation so I was too tired to really push myself during work-outs. 

I recently posted a survey to get a sense about what helped others recover from their disorder. Out of the 32 respondents, a handful of them mentioned seeing a personal trainer. If you don't have money to afford one, you could try shift your gym motivations by embracing the items above. 

Best of luck to you now!

xoxo Meg

I have Changed my Mind About Ed Sheeran

When Ed Sheeran came onto the scene several years ago, I found his music to be catching. I pictured a sexy guy with brown hair and classic good looks. When I realized he was a flaming redhead at the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show in 2014, I was disappointed because by my definition of the word, he looked like a huge nerd who had never even talked to a girl in his life.

 In recent years I've listened to some of his more upbeat hits and I've really enjoyed them. My feelings of annoyance make it so I usually switch stations when his slow, painstaking ballads like "Photograph" start to play. But on the flip-side, I really love his song "Shape of You" and I will always, 100%-without-a-doubt start dancing wherever I am when that song turns on.

Yesterday I had "Shape of You" stuck in my head so I googled the song to watch the music video while taking a break at work.

Ladies and Gents, if you haven't seen this video I highly recommend it. If you have mixed feelings about Ed Sheeran like I do, than this will turn you into a permanent fan.

Here are the reasons why I'm obsessed with this music video:

1) The message kicks ass- It's all about loving the female body. The lead female in the video is an athlete, which made me so happy to see. When I first heard this song I pictured a curvier women playing an insecure role, who he meets, falls for, and eventually helps her gain more confidence to love her body- I WAS SO WRONG. It's about a strong female boxer who is toned, already confident and hardworking. YES!

2)Ed Sheeran is covered in tattoos- Apparently this is a well-known fact, but in case you've been living under a rock like myself, you might like him better when you see his entire body is covered in colorful tattoos. Nerd be gone!

3) The casting is superb- In the video the female lead is a beautiful woman who appears to biracial. I love the diversity Ed chose to bring on to the screen.

4)The diner scene- After he and his love interest work out, they go to a diner and she orders a salad while he orders fried chicken. At first I thought this was a little concerning, but then he throws a piece of chicken onto her plate with a vibe that says, "Women, you're beautiful and I want to show you I'm supportive of women with an appetite."

I could list a million more reasons, but I need to get ready for work!

Take a look at the video here. Enjoy!

xox Meg

The Power of Support Groups in Recovery

Last night at10:30pm I published a casual survey online for people who have a difficult relationship with food and their bodies. (Click here to take it)! It is now 6:02am and I already have 17 responses. Honestly, its kind of a pain-in-the-butt kind of a survey, because it has several open ended questions. I think the fact that 17 people have completed the survey (which is anonymous) in less than 12 hours after it was posted, shows that eating disorders are soooo common and that we are NOT alone in this fight.

However, I think when people are in the midst of a disorder, they do feel very alone, ashamed and isolated. After  glancing at some of the data, it is obvious to me that participants are in need of a better support group out there. Personally, I never went to a support group because I didn't know where to find any at age 18. If there was a group I could easily access, would I have gone? I'm not sure.

I did participate in a female empowerment group that focused on Body Love when I was in college. I found the group to be powerful, positive and surprisingly helpful. The survey seems to highlight what is good and bad about support groups. Here's what I've gathered so far.

Why do support groups help?

1) You create a network of individuals who want you to achieve success

2) You get the chance to share your story in a judge-free environment

3) You can discover things about yourself by listening to other people's experiences

4) You have a safe place to admit you have a problem

5) You learn for a fact that you're truly not alone

6) Access to helpful resources you might not have discovered

What is the struggle with support groups?

1) They're not easy to access most of the time

2) Sometimes they do not work with your schedule

3)Women are too afraid to show up

4) It can be a negative and highly emotional experience 

5) If you don't have someone to go with, you may not go.

6) Not a lot of individualized attention.

7) Listening to stories may be triggering.

I'm thinking about starting some sort of support group. Does anyone have any experiences with this? I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas! 

xox

Meg

Social Media and Recovery

The world has transformed immensely since I had my eating disorder about 9/10 years ago. I think about the number of ways a modern woman can be scrutinized over her looks, and it astounds me to think of the social media platforms that now exist that enable men and women with eating disorders.

Instagram, for example, didn't exist when I was a model. Back in the 00's, other models and I would sit in our living room, googling our names to see who had been posting about us online on various social message boards. On thefashionspot.com, there was even an entire thread dedicated to gossiping about the weight of different models- from weight gain to weight loss, including photos. This thread would get brutal. I remember comparing my body shape and size to the models on this thread, aiming to have a more sleek, linear look to match the photos of the models I idolized.  Back then, the original "social influencers" were bloggers who produced actual written content. These were the people invited to fashion shows and featured in magazines. Now there is a subtle or not-so-subtle amount narcissism that social influencers seem to all have that didn't exist back then.

I couldn't imagine how Instagram would have fed my eating disorder. In many ways, Instagram has helped models become their own managers, which is pretty amazing. Your entire account is like a personal modeling portfolio that every photographer, stylist and designer can view and use to book you directly. It's made models more accessible, but it's also changed the way a model's success is measured. Obviously, a fashion label will want to work with a model who has 200k followers over one with 500, no matter how uniquely beautiful the latter is.

I think of what's accessible now. For instance there are toxic hashtags like #transformationtuesday or #fitspiration that can lead a sick person down a dark rabbit hole of "thinspiration."There are filters that obscure the visual truth, and even apps to subtly (or not so subtly) make your waistline thinner or your jawline stronger. We even have entire blogs dedicated to food, that girls who are starving themselves can (figuratively) devour.

We also have Facebook Live, which in my opinion, is the most annoying feature out there. Aspiring fitness coaches (who seem to over-obsess with their meals and bodies publicly) post videos listing their diet plans and expressing their guilt when it goes awry. They're friends who are oblivious to the symptoms of eating disorders congratulate them on the weightless and discipline. These sick people encounter positive reinforcement daily and are championed by their peers to keep up the "good work." For those of you who are currently struggling and watch the videos, are they a trigger source or do they amplify your strength in knowing that you're not alone in this fight?

These are all questions I need to sift through. If you have any opinions or stories about social media use and eating disorders, please feel free to share them with me at margaretjmccabe@gmail.com.

xoxo

Meg

PS- Day 3 is complete!

Saying Sayonara to Energy Suckers

Last night I blocked one of the most toxic people I've ever known to interact with my life on all forms of social media and deleted him from my phone. As I've been playing around with this idea for weeks now, it wasn't until last night I had the courage to actually go through with it. In the past, I really loved this person but the positivity that he brought into my life seemed to have capped off over a year ago when I left him to sell christmas trees at 5am, feeling completely unseen and taken for granted, like my flesh had been scraped like cement across the pavement of on 181st st and Fort Washington.

Anyway, details aside, I cleared up some major space in my life last night. Too much than I'd like to admit, although he has an idea.

It's amazing to be in this world, where a person who is so absent in your life can have so much presence. This person had such a cyber-stronghold on me, as every little piece of communication we exchanged (and didn't exchange) seemed to have an unhealthy amount of weight and meaning attached to it.  Normally, I block all of my exes shortly after we break up, but there was never a "starting" or "ending" point to this pitiful relationship. From what I've learned, this relationship was a crystal clear example of that happens when and empath (me) dates a nacissist (him).

I'm excited to see how opening this space up will change my life, especially when it comes to love and relationships. Who or what did I make room for? If it's not space for love, perhaps it's more room to write and focus of my career. I remember taking time to make a list of "energy suckers" in my life. I'm proud to admit 2/2 of the people on that list are now out (sayonara)!

Day 2 complete!

30 Days of Mish-Mosh Writing

Lately I've been feeling this insatiable need to write more. I feel myself entering a stage of life that's more recluse. Perhaps the best way to say it is that I feel myself entering a stillness. During my entire life I've been very outward. My nature is very loud, jovial, charming and enthusiastic. That part of me is definitely not gone, but I feel an introverted, quieter version of myself taking hold. Up until now I would have much rather been in front of the camera or a crowd than write. But here I am, listening to my voice within telling me "Write."

Now that I've moved out of Astoria, or should I say my 1.5 year bender has come to a close, I am grasping (almost desperately) to any ounce of stability I can. Like a true Capricorn I realized I need some sort of structure to feel at peace and reach my goals. 

Recently, I've moved to Boston to pursue a full time job at Boston Children's Hospital doing public health research and community education. (Boston is actually known to be a Capricorn city)! This might also be the first time in my life post-college where I feel like I am where I'm supposed to be. 

The other day I was on the phone with my grandma telling her how serendipitous the entire move to Beantown has been and how my dream job seemed to have fallen into my lap. My grandma is a die-hard Irish-Catholic Brooklynite, and without missing a beat she exclaimed, "No, Meg. It's not serendipity. It's grace'. I feel deeply within my soul and spirit that I'm meant to be here. So I think grandma is right. Moving here feels more powerful than serendipity. Everyday I feel this excited anticipation, like I'm on the brink of a miracle. This is because I am here by grace.

Anyway, I keep hearing it in my heart. "Write. Bring information to the world." I suppose I started this blog for that reason. But for me, it's not easy to write every day, because traditionally, I have not been very good with self-discipline. With that, I challenge myself. The challenge is to write for thirty minutes every day, for the next 30 days.

The hope here is that I figure out what I need to say on this blog. I originally decided that this blog would be a blog to help others improve their relationship with food, their bodies and eating. To be honest, I want this blog to be that way too. But for now, the important thing is just getting into the habit of writing and establishing this blog. I am sure there will be days when I write about eating disorders, body image, self esteem, etc. But I also want to share more than that. For now. Or perhaps forever, this blog will just be a mish-mosh of random thoughts. Enjoy. 

Day 1 is complete! 

xoxo

Meggasus

"Well EXCUUUUSE me for LIVING"

The first time I heard the term "Basic" to describe a women I felt like a tea-kettle seething on the stove top. I was watching a YouTube video, some sort of comedy sketch I guess, in which a "doctor" was diagnosing a woman with an incurable, horrible disease called "Basic."

I was so offended by this video. I'd never considered myself to be boring, mediocre, plain or uninteresting until I learned the new definition of this word. After two minutes of watching,  I immediately felt shamed for all of the things I enjoy- Zumba, The Bachelor, Starbucks, Netflix etc. The video made me really mad when I realized that all women who like things that women like, are now suddenly diseased? Jeez!

Historically, the word "basic" has a neutral meaning. It is meant to be harmless. I think this is why such an offensive word slipped through the cracks and became so popular in recent years. People might use it because they think it's funny, not blatantly offensive and artfully vague, but at the end of the day it is a word that's condescending, loaded with misogyny, and keeps women down. 

When I think of the "symptoms" of being "Basic", I cannot think of a single woman (of the First World) who does not like at least ONE of these things:

-Starbucks (Really, we're going to attack women for liking coffee)?

-Yoga (Ok, let's also put down women who enjoy strength and mindfulness).

-Netflix (Yeah, screw all women who enjoy the most common thing to do when bored)!

-Going out with the girls (yeah, effff those women who have a group of friends)!

-Beyonce (Sure, hate on girls who love the most iconic female artist of our generation).

-Wine (If I didn't get you with the first five I think I got you here).

When I read these "symptoms" my inner 90's kids wants to jump out and say "well excuuuuuuse me for LIVING" and roll my eyes. Maybe I'll have this reaction next time someone shames me for liking things women like.

Seriously, who isn't basic? I've tried to come up with outliers....perhaps a chill AF stoner girl who volunteers in foreign countries? But then isn't that kind of basic on a "wanderlust" level? (And she probably likes yoga)!

What about a badass athletic woman who is strong, dedicated and talented? One who wins championships and can beat a any guy at her sport? Nooooooooope- she probably enjoys dressing up and going out dancing with her team every once and awhile. 

What about a girl who grew up on the Bible Belt who was home schooled and and has 10 other siblings? Even with her there is a good chance she likes a good Beyonce tune now and then.

Conclusion- The word "basic" puts all women down in the most subtle way and we should stop using it. It is not funny, useful or positive.